24 August 2009

the curtain falls

Stuff done: So it's over. As you like it has closed. The withdrawal that happens when you finish a project that you've been working on for 3 months is ridiculous. It’s a lot of hard work, you're exhausted and at moments you can't wait until it’s over. Then it is and there's this wash of loss and sadness.

I'm pretty impressed by what we accomplished though. We've heard nothing but positive feedback. We had packed houses 90% of the time. That is an amazing feeling. As an actor, looking out onto a packed house is so wonderful. It kicks up your adrenaline and makes you work harder. At least that’s what it does for me. This show was such a challenge and adventure to say the least. And as such a young company, I'm proud of what we did.

On to a more heady topic. I've been thinking about mortality and its effects on us/me/u/people/an individual... This is probably because my boyfriend's grandfather passed away earlier this week. It was an unexpected/expected thing. He's been growing older faster over the last few months but he was in for a routine surgery and then suddenly, he's gone. 

There are so many things I am feeling. I am overwhelmed with sadness for his family. Their grandfather was their beacon. Their stalwart. And, instantly, all that remains is the bond of a relationship. Every time I think about it, I get choked up. To what end? Is it that the lack of a physical body is so overwhelming that the relationship and the feelings and the memories and the ideas and the encouragement that a person provided during their physical life are now remiss? No. It can't be, right? We are all affected by people. By things. By words. By actions. And these "things" remain. We're like chalkboards that have been written on for years and there's still bits of chalk that will never vanish, no matter how hard you try to wash them off. (Not sure that’s the right analogy, but it was what popped into my head and seems to make sense.) 
I guess its just hard, in the moment, to recognize all the ways a person has affected you.

It has also made me think about the people close to me and their mortality; even my own. How quickly it can go. How one moment you can be laughing with someone and the next instant some terrible tragedy befalls you. I have no control over what will happen or won't happen. I can just keep living and doing and existing in the moment. To be wrapped in the possibility of loss or departure of someone you love only hinders you and makes you wallow. I don’t want to wallow. I want to breathe and enjoy my friends and family to the fullest that I can so that when, sadly, the moment does come when I have to say goodbye I have so much still there.

Time passes. Things change. We have to move with the change. We have to take the life we've lived and mix it with the one we're living. Be influenced by our past experiences, learn from them, grow from them, fail from them...allow them to wash over us and inspire us and never forget that it’s all something that shapes how we take that next step forward. 

I guess this sort of is related to my post on Buddhism. Life means suffering. Suffering is caused by attachment. The cessation of suffering is possible. There is a path to the end of suffering. ... It’s just a long journey. Keep your eyes open and exist from moment to moment.

I am saddened by this loss. I know the pain my boyfriend is suffering from is great. I want nothing more than to hold his hand and cry with him. I also know that his grandfather loved him so much and was so proud of him that this relationship with shape him for the rest of his life. None of this is ever easy. The journey of life is a hard one, I'm glad to share it with people I love dearly. To you...I will always be here for you to lean on.


No comments:

Post a Comment